I wouldn't change it, but...
A list of things I would do differently (from an overwhelmed mama of two small humans)
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I have always wanted to be a parent. There are a lot of aspects of parenthood, the world, and, perhaps most importantly, myself, that I didn’t understand going in, but wanting to have babies was always an instinctual, easy yes for me.
Unfortunately, because of all those things I didn’t understand, my experience with becoming a parent has been a lot more difficult than I ever imagined (and I did a lot of imagining). I certainly didn’t expect to realize — after having two kids — that I was chronically ill and neurodivergent, and to immediately be plunged deep into an autistic burnout that lasted about a year1. And I definitely couldn’t have imagined the kind of world I would be parenting in, which makes all of that feel so much harder.
And yet…
I wouldn’t change it. I’m sure many of you can understand why. My kids are incredible, and I love being their mama more than anything. I love every day that I get to know them better and see the world through their eyes. They are one of the only things I’ve ever felt certain about. If I could go back, I would still choose them every time. And…
There are some things that didn’t have to be so hard. There are things that, had I known then what I know now, I would have done differently. I thought I’d share them today (in no particular order).
I wouldn’t change it, but if I could go back, I would:
be kinder to myself: and not just about parenting!
have better boundaries: there are so many relationships I would have chosen not to engage with as much or in the same way if I had known I was allowed to do so
take up more space: I was so afraid of being seen trying and figuring myself out, and I wish I had understood that I will probably be doing that one some level for the rest of my life, so I could’ve gotten more comfortable with it early on
get to know myself: there’s a good chance I still wouldn’t have had words for my neurodivergent experience or chronic illness for a long time, but I wish I could have been more honest about my experience and also just gotten to know what I like, want, and need apart from others’ expectations much sooner
go to therapy: I wish I could tell my young adult self not to wait to find a therapist until it felt urgent
read more: reading felt almost impossible after I got burned out and left college early, and I didn’t pick up more than a handful of books for about a decade — I wish I could tell that younger self that audiobooks and ebooks are worth it, and that it was possible to reclaim my attention and my love of reading
be on my phone less: on a related note, I would have put down my phone a lot more, been more careful about what accounts I followed, and avoided doomscrolling; I missed out on a lot of opportunities to be present and do things I really love
create more: for a long time, I felt like my creativity was only accessible to me at certain times or in certain ways, and I wish I’d known to just sit down and doodle something, or that it wasn’t too late to try crochet again, and to just let go of the perfectionism
write more: and save it! I wasn’t anywhere near ready to publish anything 15 years ago, but I could have made time to write more poems or bits of stories and squirrelled them away; I only saved a handful of things before I “gave up” on writing, and I could have been developing my voice and style all that time, even if I wasn’t brave enough to share it yet
make more room for joy and for fun: instead of waiting for the “right” moments to just happen, I would have found and created more joy in ordinary moments; burn the candles, listen to the birds, take things a little less seriously, etc.
buy wayyy less fucking stuff: seriously, it all just gets in the way of me actually doing things and living my life; as someone who didn’t grow up with a lot of money, it would have been nice to know earlier how to prioritize what really mattered to me
spend more time outside: human beings are animals, and animals need fresh air and connection with the earth to thrive; I wish I had spent more time breathing and basking in the sun, working in the garden, going for walks, etc.
These are all things I wish I could have known/done years ago regardless of whether or not I became a parent, but they definitely would have made the whole process so much easier.
Of course, this is my list, and everything on it won’t apply to everyone. I’ve been thinking of these things lately because they’re all things I’ve been working on that have helped me feel more like myself and be more present and enjoy my life.
It’s easy for me to forget how much things like this matter for me and to fall back into old habits that don’t serve me, and I want to keep showing up for myself so I can keep showing up for my kids and really enjoy the time that I have with them. Sometimes I need a reminder, so this is one for me (and also maybe for you, if you need it).
Keep going, you’re doing great.
Do you relate to anything on my list? What did I leave out that you would add to yours? I’d love to hear about it in the comments! And as always, feel free to share if this resonated with you.
(let alone to still be recovering more than two years later — not that you have to be chronically ill and/or disabled for parenting to be hard)
I resonate with this entire list. I have so many things I'd go back and do differently to make my introduction to motherhood, and these last four years, a bit better for sure.
Really great list.I think more me time just remembering to be present instead of chasing future events .I just enjoyed throwing the bouncy ball with the kids for hours until I was worn out.